May 23rd, 2026
by Brad Banks
by Brad Banks
Dear Trinity family,
I'm writing this from the kitchen of the hospice center across the street from DH. I'm a bit of an exposed nerve right now and so that's how this might sound. I said when this began 3 years ago that I wouldn't hide my feelings from you. So, here we go.
I have never known pain like this. I'm not the only one. I get that. The club I'm joining is large. I phrase it like that because Bree is still with us in the sense that her spirit is still joined to her body. I expect her to pass today, tonight, or tomorrow, based on what the doctor said yesterday, but I would have said the same last night and on Friday.
I want the pain to stop. I know that's not how it works, but I still want it. I started reading a book on grieving, When God and Grief Meet, and it's been helpful. The author describes grief as hard work but work that has to be done. I also came across this quote from someone else (quoted in the book), "Grief isn't something you get over. You just get used to it." I'm trusting that, objectively, because, subjectively, I don't know how getting used to this is going to be possible.
There's a scene from The Chosen that I think describes what I'm feeling. After Ramah dies, Thomas is pacing back and forth, his arms and hands shaking, because he doesn't know what to do with himself. There's an emotional restlessness that I've never experienced before. Sometimes it leads to panic, sometimes despair, sometimes it's panic, and sometimes it's wailing. Then it pauses and then it returns.
I have (another) request, and it's probably going to sound a little selfish. I am feeling a good deal of guilt right now over bringing her to New Hampshire. Like, if we had stayed in Texas, she'd have received better care, would have had more time, and more importantly, the boys would have had more time with her.
If there's something that comes to mind where you've seen that our being here has been worth it, just send me a text or an email or something. I don't know what else to do, what else to say or even how to conclude this.
In Christ
Pastor Brad
I'm writing this from the kitchen of the hospice center across the street from DH. I'm a bit of an exposed nerve right now and so that's how this might sound. I said when this began 3 years ago that I wouldn't hide my feelings from you. So, here we go.
I have never known pain like this. I'm not the only one. I get that. The club I'm joining is large. I phrase it like that because Bree is still with us in the sense that her spirit is still joined to her body. I expect her to pass today, tonight, or tomorrow, based on what the doctor said yesterday, but I would have said the same last night and on Friday.
I want the pain to stop. I know that's not how it works, but I still want it. I started reading a book on grieving, When God and Grief Meet, and it's been helpful. The author describes grief as hard work but work that has to be done. I also came across this quote from someone else (quoted in the book), "Grief isn't something you get over. You just get used to it." I'm trusting that, objectively, because, subjectively, I don't know how getting used to this is going to be possible.
There's a scene from The Chosen that I think describes what I'm feeling. After Ramah dies, Thomas is pacing back and forth, his arms and hands shaking, because he doesn't know what to do with himself. There's an emotional restlessness that I've never experienced before. Sometimes it leads to panic, sometimes despair, sometimes it's panic, and sometimes it's wailing. Then it pauses and then it returns.
I have (another) request, and it's probably going to sound a little selfish. I am feeling a good deal of guilt right now over bringing her to New Hampshire. Like, if we had stayed in Texas, she'd have received better care, would have had more time, and more importantly, the boys would have had more time with her.
If there's something that comes to mind where you've seen that our being here has been worth it, just send me a text or an email or something. I don't know what else to do, what else to say or even how to conclude this.
In Christ
Pastor Brad
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